I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
you know who we are? We're the female white stoner version of Kenan and Kel.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Randomize
