i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
Randomize
