Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
Randomize
