last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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