Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
ya i guess you have to take things with a grain of salt in a place where nipple clamps are the norm..
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
Randomize
