I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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