That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Randomize
