his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
These tits shall not be calmed
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
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