Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
Yeah its great. Whenever we want a new bowl we hand it to Trevor and he clears it in one hit. Definitely one of the benefits to having a swimmer in your circle.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
Randomize
