I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
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