This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Randomize
