chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
