I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
Randomize
