just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
my shit smells like andre
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
