even my farts smell like vagina
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
There was a lot of him and a little penis
She walked into class late sat down for 5 min muttered 'oh i cant do this' and walked out. She looked like death.
We should party with her soon
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
