The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
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