the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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