I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
You're earring is so big in my mouth
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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