I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize
