Ha. No worries! So loud here &god I love drag queens! How does it happen, the congealing?
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
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Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
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He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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