I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
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