I accidentally had phone sex last night
I'm skeptical of all drag queens.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Randomize
