Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
Randomize
