Why dose there have to be another girl there for you to do this?
its hotter. Way hotter.
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
They have beer where we have blood.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
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