i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
there is puke in my bra ... again
Randomize
