Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Randomize
