Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
My underwear smells like fireworks.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
ya i guess you have to take things with a grain of salt in a place where nipple clamps are the norm..
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
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