Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
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