Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Randomize
