Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Randomize
