I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
