I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
whose ass print is on the piano?
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
Randomize
