Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
she peed on how many people?
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize