a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
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