I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
