I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
Randomize
