we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
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