I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
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