I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
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