It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
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