I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
Idk. We dropped acid and Kevin ran away again. We didn't find him for like 3 hours.
Man I wish I had been there
Yah we found him in the pool shed of some elderly couple. They were on the porch watching all of the shenanigans. ...To be young again.
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Randomize
