The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
You do realize the lyrics aren't "hold me close TONY DANZA" right?
You can't be serious.
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
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