It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
