she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
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