The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
Randomize
