i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Randomize
