I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
