i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
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