He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
Randomize
