I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Randomize
