Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
Randomize
