Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
I'd cum for enchiladas.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Randomize
