he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
