I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
Randomize
