After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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