Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
and the mascot is a pinecone. its really no surprise that people here dont get laid
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
Randomize
