I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
