can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Would you rather have a 10 inch but pencil thin penis or a 2 inch very fat one?
Fat, it's not about touching the bottom it's about raising hell of the sides.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
