Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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