you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Randomize
